Round 5 - Gurston Down, Saturday 21st April
Tinkerer, Tailorer, Shoulder, Smile
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The truth is, if old Major Rover hadn’t dropped dead at Gurston races, Alanhugh wouldn’t be going to Goodwood at all.
Control knew there was a mole in the ranks. Some defectors had already moved to the East (Comrades Chaos, Trev and HoBa), sneering at the British agents from across the paddock. Gurston Down, the Circus’s top secret testing centre, was chosen to flush out the mole. 
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The chemical defence team arrived early for the “no-vee-check”, but all the TVRs were compliant. Daily life continued, Agent Harry enjoyed breakfast and even managed to avoid spilling egg down his front.
The first sign of subterfuge arose before first practice; billows of steam emanated from the rear of Chimarsala; surely an effort to poison the spies? |
Residues of brake fluid had somehow infiltrated the system; officials arriving promptly with extinguishers. Frenzied revving eventually cleared the pipes; this initial attempt to incapacitate had failed.
Slightly shaken by events, they continued with trepidation. Agent Shunter just pipped Agent Briars in the end, having to provide a shoulder to cry on for the journey home.
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Next to fall foul of betrayal was Agent Firth. By second practice, he was favourite for the win, although his incredible 36 second run in P2 was hampered by his home-tailored electric power-steering failing across the line, resulting in dramatic evasive action to avoid hitting the officials. Diagnosis? A dead alternator on his Rover-powered steed.
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Double-agent Chaos had a spare one not 20 miles away, so Firth and Firth junior headed across country to extract the item while staying incognito in their unmarked Hyundai. Upon inspection, however, the information was fake; the item wasn’t compatible. Firth couldn’t revive his ailing Rover, and was last seen waiting for codename Double-A Yellow on the roadside.
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Agent Stallard was next in the crosshairs. Claiming his cogs weren’t set right for the dash between Karousel and Ashes, he decided the wrong differential had been issued. The mole hadn’t counted on the agent’s field craft however; Control describes him as “our best tinkerer”.
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Another hour of cars and an hour for lunch was plenty of time to swap the diff for a shorter one, gaining nearly two seconds in the afternoon.
Retirement clearly suits former Agent Moakes. Quiet relaxation and meditation
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resulted in a personal best, providing more tales to regale to anyone who will listen at his club house. Agent Harry also enjoyed a trouble-free day, achieving a PB and the fastest scratch run, earning not only the respect of his fellow agents, but also a shiny second place trophy.
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Without the pressure from Agent Firth, Agent Alanhugh abnormally improved all day, culminating in victory. All evidence pointed to him as the mole, but was this an excellent double-bluff? On home turf, Alanhugh was always going to perform at the top of his game; the lure of Goodwood would always be there, regardless of Agent Firth’s termination.
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Not Agent Alanhugh then; Control reviewed the day’s events for suspicious activity and kicked himself when he realised the obvious anomaly: Agent Harry managed to avoid spilling egg down his front. Fastest on scratch; second place; a shiny trophy; a bigger than usual grin, almost too smiley. Coincidence? The fastest run, Harry, had finally convinced himself, was after all a dream.
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Words: Shunter (with apologies to John Le Carré)
Photography: Jess Firth
Photography: Jess Firth